mea culpa

Not around here much lately, as you can see. Kind of expressing myself via Facebook, and updating multiple pages/blogs/etc for the band lately, I'm kind of blogged out. Sorry.

Feeling a little low and sorry for myself the last few weeks, for multiple reasons. After a year of feeling really good about being single and enjoying myself, I now am really feeling the partnered-ness of most of my friends, and the lack of partnered-ness in mine. I'm really kind of stuck on how people who are married and have kids have these publicly recognized milestones (weddings, baby showers, kids' birthdays, religious things (bar mitzvah/communion or what have you) that single people just don't get to have.

My band played our CD release party, and it was a big deal for me - I've worked really fucking hard at this for years, and I'm exceedingly proud of the thing on a musical and personal level. Although a few friends came out, they had all left before the end of our set. My bandmates had friends and family slapping them on the back and saying "of course I wouldn't have missed this!" type exclamations of love and support. I stepped off stage and there was simply no one there for me. I haven't been able to shake how disappointed I am about that.

I don't blame any individual person for not coming out, or for leaving early - for christ's sake, we didn't go on stage until about 12:30 which is just not really feasible for a lot of people. But I couldn't help but have a lump in my throat when I learned that my bandmate's brother rode his motorcycle from Kitchener (a 1 1/2 - 2 hour drive) to see the show.

Let's clarify that: not just to see the show, but to support his brother and celebrate his achievement.

I have hesitated posting this because I don't want anyone reading this who was invited to come and didn't to feel badly. As I said I have no anger at any individual person, things come up for all sorts of reasons, it's the summer - people are away etc etc. My disappointment is more of a generalized feeling of lack - lack of that inner-inner circle community of friends or family who would of course, not for a million years, ever miss my CD release party. One friend falls into that category but had a wedding to attend out of town, and made it very clear she was there in spirit with me, which was lovely. Really, what it boils down to is this growing suspicion that most of my friends didn't REALIZE how important this show was to me. That maybe they don't know me well enough  to know that.

Anyway, bleah. Almost hitting 'Cancel' on this post because it sounds like pure self pity but I am trying to think about and work something out by writing about this, so it stays. I have to/want to consider what it is that I am doing, or not doing in my life that is causing this feeling of isolation. Something prevents me from fully connecting with people sometimes, and it's not something I like about myself, it's difficult to look at. Coming home every day from work (sitting in front of computer) and hopping on the internet (sitting in front of different computer) to update band shit, fuck around on Facebook and read everything Stephen Fry ever posted certainly does not help.

Work sucks right now too.

OK, on y va, this is the stuff self knowledge and growth is made of. I bravely soldier on.

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Throwing my hat in the ring again with the Internet dating thing, and not terribly encouraged at the moment. I'd like to offer some advice to the male population out there who are looking for love in all the online places, if I may be so bold:

1.    Read my profile. Seriously. If it doesn't look like I'm here just to, as the kids today like to say, 'hook up' then don't email me with 'yo, yr cute - id hit that'.

2.    Have a profile picture, period. Then, have a profile picture which acutally shows your face. I don't know how many times I've seen a tourist type shot with some dude the size of an ant in front of mountains, a building or their car. Even if you don't think you're good looking, post a clear picture of your face, without fucking SUNGLASSES so that I can look into your eyes and decide if I think you could be a serial killer.

3.    Have a profile. With information. I actually will just pass you right by if you don't tell the world what music you like, what a perfect date for you would be like and all of that. Lots of guys seem to think being a vague as possible will help them, maybe? I can't count how many times I've read in the "About Me" section something like "I'm just an average guy, LOL, just looking for that special lady". I know I'm being harsh here, the whole thing is nerve wracking for everybody. But sweet lavender lord, just have some friend proofread your damn profile for you.

3.    Just a general observation - I am not encouraged by the number of people who list things like "the Miami Vice soundtrack" and "My Heart Will Go On" as their fav music. I'm sure there are many ladies out there for whom this is jackpot material, but I am not one of them.

4.    Observation - wow, there are a lot of Sagitarrius' (my sign), Scorpios, Leos and Virgos out there. Almost to the exclusion of any other astrological sign. Hm.

5.    The particular site I signed up with is the only one that I know of that is also an app for Facebook and those type of social networking sites. I really expected more, well, more people like me. Maybe I'm using the wrong service.

Comments

[Lisa Trimble]

Ah, just back from vacation and catching up on my missed blog reading, yours of course, being one of them. After suffering a few crushing episodes of hurt feelings and disappointments in similar situations, I realized that, like you, I was hoping people would know what mattered to me, and would celebrate my triumphs (or my sadnesses)...because I thought I tried to do so for them. As a non-married person also, we really *need* our friendships to be that source of support and loving for us. I'm really sorry that, collectively, we let you down on this one. I've been trying to un-learn a lot of the messages I got as a kid -- that it is immodest to celebrate and want others to give you recognition and admiration for big things you have done -- that it is desirable to be humble, or that others will be able to (or desiring to be able to) anticipate and meet your needs. It just ain't so. Especially folks with families and kids, because they're wrapped up in their own lives, that of their partner, and of the bambino/as...they're involved with co-managing three or four lives. One of the things I've been trying to do, with varying degrees of success, is explicitly putting myself out there. Telling people how much it matters that they, personally, would be there for me. People assume at big gatherings that they won't be missed, there will be lots of other people there, yadayadayada. Telling folks I *need* to be feted up, that I need some celebration, some admiration, some lovin'. I did that for my 40th. Let's do it for yours :-) Let's get you those dishy Dany Portentious pics and throw you a big soiree!!

I love your insights on internet dating, you brave thing! I haven't really done a lot of dabbling that way, except for a few forays (which never came to fruition) in craig's list and ALMOST hitting on a cab driver last night. I think it's not the right site. I will make it my quest to find a site with smart, interesting men (for us both!)Nerve used to be that, but I don't think so much any more once it merged with whatever godawful parent company it had.

Let's fete you up and celebrate the fantastic creative sexy dishy woman you are!! :-)

I send love.
Thanks for posting this.

xo
L.

[Liz]

Hey you!

I am sorry in multiple ways that I missed your CD thing. Yes, celebrating your long-term investment is a biggie - I'll get to that in a moment - but I really wanna hear you guys play! :-) I *will* make it to one of your shows!! I am determined.

To the substance of your post, which is not really your CD launch, I had two responses. The first is that I've been there, in that trough of non-partneredness, and had very special events occur that I had to consciously work hard at getting people to attend, lest I wind up the evening in tears. Chief among these was my graduation from U of T with a graduate degree. My brothers didn't even attend that, even though I explicitly asked them to. Sometimes family isn't all it is cracked up to be.

I have an ancient-feeling blog post about this, two blog generations ago. http://venusvan.livejournal.com/2005/11/10/

So, I guess I just wanted to say "I've been there."

I've also been in that soul-searching place wondering "what I'm doing wrong". Good luck in finding your answers... from where I sit, you aren't doing anything wrong. :-) When I was agonizing through this bit, for longer than I'd care to describe, I realized I had really really unusually high expectations of outer circle people and I had to lower the bar a bit and allow enough time to pass of common experiences and adventures. It was easier for some of them to step over the lowered bar into the more inner circle.

Neighbour L :-)

[Kevin]

Hi!

I came across your blog via a google alert of some sort and your post about your cd release show really struck me somehow.

I'm a musician who's probably played hundreds of shows in my life but one of the most memorable (and painful) experiences was a hometown cd release show that my father (who lived a 10 minute walk from the venue) decided not to come out to so my mother came alone. The place was packed with friends and well-wishers but that lack of support hurts to this day and it's been ten years! I'm always continuously amazed at the shit we do to people that we supposedly love. I did eventually confront him about it in a rather ugly shouting match that only succeeded in upsetting my mother even furthur - we since reached some sort of an impasse if only to keep the peace. I'm not sure if there's a point to me telling you that story except to commiserate with you to some extent and to tell you there will be other shows that will leave you filled with joy and happiness. On the first European tour I ever did the first show was in a giant venue in Rotterdam and was attended by 2 people and (I'm not joking) a dog. But all the bands gave everything they could and the thought of that night still makes me smile. I think even the dog had a good time.

take care - Kevin